impertinent impatience

It's one of those days.
I got Regina Spektor playing in the background, preceding a feel-good playlist on Pandora.
But I am still oh-so-grouchy. Nothing is going my way again. or I'm just too damn impatient for the results I am waiting for..

Day compounding yet another day of perpetual waiting, relentless anticipating,needless agonizing.

Ate a good meal of Japanese tempura crunch roll and Teriyaki Beef Bowl and a pot of hot green tea. That's supposed to calm me down on a normal day. Yet here I am again, agitated, irritated.

My mom says I have an anxiety disorder. That's kind of a stretch but lately I am beginning to incline agreeing.

I used to believe that I could be a cool cat-calm and collected, able to diffuse tension in an awkward situation. Nowadays I'm just like a basket case- a bundle of nerves unraveling with each passing day in such uncertain circumstances.

I'm beginning to hate the me under stress. I have turned into such a whiner, making a tragedy out of any little setback; overusing prose to dissipate the inner turmoil that perturbs me every waking moment.

No wonder my metabolism is so shot. My cortisol levels all awry, pituitary gland working over time shoveling stress hormones into my system, my whole freaking system preparing for extended fight-or -flight response 24/7.

It feels like I'm crawling my way through this dark, extremely narrow and utterly miserable little tunnel-seeing the light at the end of it but stuck in slime.

I want my endorphins back!Chocolates don't work. They just push me to run in the cold weather every day, still short of the high I used to get after every dragonboat training in Manila!

Basically, I just miss the simple life. Then again, I believe humans are built with default discontent. We ask for something and when we finally get it, we want something else entirely.

I know most people think about life in general and wonder about the significance of their existence once in a while- in spaced out intervals that enable them to simply enjoy living.

I am at a certain junction when I have all this free time to ponder, yet again, on both the worth and futility of venturing out of my comfort zone.

I mean, I am up to the task. It's just taking too darn long for things to happen. Just when I have my running shoes on, my self-motivating mechanisms in place, my whole being poised for the big plunge into adulthood and beyond-everything and everyone else seems to have chosen to go into slow-mo.

My routine nowadays:
Wake up at 9:00
Check out life on FB while having coffee
Check my email for legal and employment correspondence
(and usually be disappointed)
*go to work either from 6-2 or 2-10 then go home
Walk or Run outside
Check out life on FB, tend my farm, do some Mafia job, clean up my Resto
Check my email.
Chat with Hubby
Look forward to being kidnapped by Paul & Vannie
Sleep at 3am


*sigh* I miss my life. I'm so homesick right now.

my routine back home:
4am-wake up
5am-Dragonboat training =)
7am- post-training SEx or breakfast @ Jolibee
10am-get ready for class or go to a Gatorade Lec
1-4 Teach @ CHK
5pm-run @ Acad Oval OR
wait for Ed to go boxing
8pm-hang out with friends, sneak a coffee session with Gey or
hang out with family
12pm-snuggle in bed with hubby and talk till the wee hours of the morning.
Weekends? hyper-drive =)

I know this isn't helping. I am just dragging myself through a self-made muck but I have to purge this negativity and right now, this is the only way I can.

I hope one day I can look back at everything and laugh at how much of an impatient little humbug I have been

For now, I am just ranting and venting and letting out all these frustrations in cyber space.
So I can breathe.
So I can.

Coffee, anyone?