Defibrillation

It is the end of my world as I know it.

-the end of perpetual childhood in the arms of comfort. Here I am at the other side of the world finally embarking on a journey that I have delayed for so long. Where this road will take me, I know not. All I know is that it requires me to finally let go of the security of the familiar, the safety of the predictable. I have dallied for the past half of a decade. I have meandered in the springs of my comfort zone. I have never really been on my own.

I have made a thousand excuses to stay home. I have taken many strolls on the pathways of the carefree, knowing at the back of my mind that I have somewhere else to be. Call it arrogance, but I believe I am destined for greater things. I have burrowed myself on my carefree island looking out into the world wondering when will I ever get out there and follow the star of my destiny.

Finally, I am here. I shed the trepidation of my childhood, I shed the shackles of uncertainty. I have always been a child, cocooned under the wing of parental providence, chained by dependence. I have tried to convince myself of my fortunate circumstance, knowing full well I have yet to experience what it really means to be free.

At 27, I am a long overdue butterfly. I have pondered too much on the future when I should be making it. I have paid too much attention on what I could be, in the guise of an ever- recurring quarter-life crisis. All these are but mechanisms that root me to that hated spot called mediocrity.

All I have so far are words, and ideas and visions. All I have are moments of lucidity.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquest of it." says Parke Goodwin in his rendition of "Beowulf". I know Fear. I have been cowered by it into submission. Yet this is my time; my time to look at it in the face and cast it down. No one is going to do it for me. No one is going to propel me into action but myself.

With these realizations, I think on, too, of those I leave behind. It is not without regret that I look back at the faces, the places that tie my heart to my homeland. I am aware of my distance from my life support, from all that is familiar and dear. The thought of this lack of proximity sometimes paralyzes me with sadness. Yet, I know, that someday all those I have let down will understand this life-changing decision that I have to make for myself.

I know the life I will be leaving will be a far cry from the carefree existence I am used to. I brace myself for cold winter nights, crying fits and sudden attacks of homesickness. I know I will miss the stroke of my paddle on the dirty waters of Manila Bay, the late-night Neruda & Starbucks sessions with my best friend, the tropical wind on my face on my way up the mountains. I know I will miss Saturday morning breakfast with my nagging mom and corny dad, driving sessions with my big little brother to his soirees, Sunday visits to my Nanay's grave, monthly feasts on Advientos family reunions.

I will miss the smell of summer in my room, the sound of a storm on our glass window.I will miss the UP Academic Oval strolls,10k runs and impromptu gimiks. I will surely miss my life.

But I swear to be back. I already know that life in my native land is way better than living here in the US. Yet I have to try my luck, make something of myself, be someone on my own terms.

I cut myself loose from what is easy, from what is convenient. I am going to try out my wings.
Whether I fall or I fly, at least I have tried.


Allow me my romanticizing it is the only thing i keep for myself along with my eternal optimism.