Lately , I haven’t had the drive nor the inspiration to write anything of significance.
It seems that ever since I got back from the US in January, my life has been one whole rollercoaster ride of trivial thrills. After being weighed down with the enormity of uncertainty while overseas, I feel as if coming home has given me wings. This feeling of liberation has only been heightened by the realization that staying was an option, thanks to Ed’s support. In reality, my feelings of obligation seemed to be the foremost factor in my decision to try my luck in the US. Spending a lonesome Christmas there with more cash than I’ve ever earned before only made me realize what really mattered to me.
I didn’t need to be rich to be happy. I only needed the ones I love.
So for the past months, I’ve been enjoying life like never before. Having moved out of my parents’ house and moving in to my in-laws’ condo has given me more opportunity to spend my days exactly as I would have had , if it wasn’t for the guilt factor served daily at our house. Ed’s support is unbelievable. I feel more like his kid with how he finds joy in indulging my sporty interests. I feel like life’s being handed to me on a silver platter and I’m devouring it with gusto.
Until now.
It’s not that something’s missing. I just feel too idle, to a point of being useless. I only go to work twice a week. I train for dragon boat and touch rugby more frequently than I have to be in class. Yet one of the major things that bother me with this carefree lifestyle is that I am completely financially dependent on Ed. My salary has not yet come in, my alma matter and employer being under government supervision.
So here I am, itching for activity. finding it hard to cool my heels to wait for opportunity like Ed advised.
And lately, things are taking a slightly different turn.
I’m realizing things about maturity , marriage and me.
It sure looks like one big learning curve up ahead.
Unlike Ed who’s fairly grounded in reality and how things in life are, I seem to have my head stuck in the clouds somewhere. I still believe that with every problem, a solution comes up when you need it. I still believe that enjoyment and the company of people are priceless. I still believe that I can live the way I want to without any consideration for tomorrow, because some opportunity to have it easy will eventually present itself serendipitously.
And with this hedonistic point of view comes moments of inevitable reality check points. And I realize now that being pampered by indulging parents has its drawbacks later in life.
It’s difficult to cope with the responsibility of life when somebody’s always coming to your rescue. To some people, the boon of dependence is a welcoming cushion. For me, I have always struggled to be independent, failing miserably most of the time.
Being a baby gets to me. I don’t want to be the one being taken care of all the time.
I understand that Ed finds pleasure in providing for me. I am very thankful for having a supportive partner. Yet, from where I stand and with all these issues, I have to try living within my means, not waiting for anybody to pick up my tab or lift the responsibility of daily living off my shoulders.
I know I sound like such an ungracious brat. I mean, I have nothing to worry about.
But I do.
My emotional growth, without which, I will forever be a slave to my unrealized notions of independence and responsibility needs some nurturing.
I just hope Ed bares this one with me.
I hate being such a baby.
August 30,2010
