crumbling constancy

Scissorhands. Scissormouth .

I am maimed inside & out.

Oh in your instantaneous irritation,

You’ve dealt a death blow.

I stagger from this forcefulness

Momentary asphyxia

And my carefully-construed constancy shatters

Into infinitesimal fragments.

I have nothing to say.

You have rendered me mute by your impulsive brutality.

My lifeless ego dismembered further

By a memory

Of a momentary, infidelity.

Finally, you have devastatingly hurt me.

Big Sister Blues

Last Thursday, I went back to the family house to check up on my grandfather. I was fully prepared to make up for not being able to visit him over the weekend because of our recent surfing trip. As much as I am used to be being in charge of the health of my family members, I didn't know I'd be playing nurse again so soon.

Early Friday morning, I ran in to a wall while going to the bathroom half-asleep. That brick wall turned out to be my brother, Mico-dressed in full CAT uniform and heading back to bed. He decided not to go to school that day claiming he wasn't feeling well. Now my brother is a very driven young man. From being quite, low profile student he strove to be get better grades until he made it on top of the honor's list. That being said, I know that if he could avoid it, he will not choose to be absent from class, especially now in his senior year.

I was alarmed then and f

ound out that he did have a slight fever.I told him to go eat before taking his Anti-pyretics and sleep it off, thinking it mus the stressed-related. Imagine my amusement when he suddenly called me we had the following conversation.

Mico: Ate, pag okay na ko mamaya, drive mo naman ako.

Mona: Saan?

Mico: May soiree kasi kami mamaya,e part ako sa nag organize

Mona: O sige, pero magpagaling ka muna .(in my head: Naknampuch..)

It was funny but the big sister me in got all alarmed. (Soiree? Girls? But he's only... ummm. yeah... 17.) I mean, it's great that he's finally exploring his social side but i didn't know he still had the time to go out and mingle with his busy schedule. (He doesn't tell me anything anymore .Hmp.) Eventually, he wasn

't able to leave the house when he felt worse later in the day. I found him in my parents' bedroom when I woke up later in the morning. He was like a big little boy wrapped up in blankets and shivering with fever. His temperature was 38 degrees Celcius and rising. As much as I can, I stop myself from treating him like a kid and

babying him. In this case, it was hard not to be flustered when my 5 feet 9 inches tall baby brother looked so helpless under the sheets.

I put on my gruff, chiding voice " Ikaw kasi sobra ma-stress sa school. San mo kaya nakuha yan? di ka ba kinagat ng lamok?" but i was already preparing him a tepid sponge bath to help the fever abate.

He's such a big puppy. It's hard to imagine he'd grow so tall. He was such a funny little bald thing when he was born. I was already 10 years old then. When, he was a toddler, he was the embodiment of Dennis the Menace. Everywhere he went, disaster would follow- either in the form of broken vases or broken limbs.You'll always hear someone shouting "MICO!" at one time or another. My sister and I would always be on our toes whenever he was let loose of his crib or room. We'd follow him with arms outstretched, always anticipating he'd fall down, walking at such a fast pace in his waddling gait.

I can't forget that one time when he was running top speed straight down from the stairs and on his way to hugging me. I was sitting on the floor with my knees up a

nd he tripped right when he was in front of me. I managed to catch him and he managed to get his single protruding teeth hooked on the fleshy part above my knee. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Well, now, whenever I think about it, I burst out laughing.

Later on when he was in his pre-school years, he moved from terrorizing us to terrorizing our pets. There was this one afternoon he was so excited to show me something, he was jumping up and down. I followed him outside to the back of the house and I screamed in consternation. There, in our 3 feet-high drum full of water, he was "making" the puppies "swim"!! They were struggling to keep their sorry little heads above the water but failing miserably. All I could say was "MICO!" as I strove to rescue the poor creatures.

Anyway, his quite, reserved demeanor is such a stark contrast to the playful, impish little kid I grew up with. Even if he was quite sickly when he was a kid, he had some fire in

him and pestered us, his big sisters, all the time with some joke or prank. I look back now and I miss those days when he was quite dependent on us.

Today, my brother is a tal,l able-bodied teen ager who is wiser than his years. He is God-fearing, conscientious and upright in his ways. He has his own way of doing things that is why I try to leave him alone to do his thing, being there only when he needs any help or guidance on practical things like learning how to drive or learning how to use public transportation.

So this rare opportunity of taking care of him was something I cherished. Later that day, I had to go home to my hubby but asked my mom to call me if anything cam

e up. True enough,I learned on Saturday that Mico was taken to the hospital for a check up since his fever was not abating. I forsook everything else I had to do that weekend, including racing for the third leg of the dragon boat regatta to be there. My heart was pounding because I was afraid he had Dengue fever.

Thankfully, it was not a hemmorrhaegic case but was a Urinary Track Infection that affected his bladder and was in his blood, too. He had to stay in the hospital for 3-5 days and of course, I volunteered to baby-sit him.

Staying cooped up inside a hospital room seems to be intolerable for a teen ager like Mico. He was so bored he read anything that was brought to him. I knew he still had school work on his mind but I tried to tell him to use his sick days to rest.

Being his guardian for his period of confinement gave me chance to observe him and know how he turned out to be.

For one, he's not much of a talker but when you get him to talk, he's lively and vivacious when it comes to things that interest him.

Two, for as much as he appears to be a full-grown man, so much of him is still a baby-innocent and guile-less.

Three, he knows how to have fun and does go out with friends at school and acquaintances he met at his UPCAT review last summer

Four (and this is one of tho

se things I found hard to deal with ) He naturally attracted girls. Probably because of his height or his looks.The female student nurses were flustered at being confronted by this towering teen ager in the pediatric ward.However, after overcoming their bashfulness, they kept coming back to ask trivial questions they could have done asking, in one sitting. My brother didn't seem to mind and answered all their inquiries. Meanwhile, I could only show my irritation with my silence, as I didn't want to embarrass them or my brother. So I kept my mouth shut, looked detached and above it all, even if I had a hundred "hirits" hidden away, ready to fire.

And five,He's afraid of blood and acts gruff and unattached, but deep inside, he appreciates being taken cared of. I actually derived amusement from describing how the needle in his arm and the fluid running through his veins worked. He's so squeamish it doesn't take much to freak him out.

In short, I am thankful for the time I spent with him when he was sick. Naturally, being a cramped room was boring at certain times but being with my little brother made up for it in a sense that it's like deciphering how a wall opens from your side.It takes a lot of figuring out but It's more of feeling it out.

I am aware that before I know it, he'll be in college and then he'll have a job and he'll be on his own. I know he'll take an entirely different path from what I chose. I know, too, that he won't be just good, he'll be great.

There are moments when I wish I could freeze time and rewind to those moments when he was our baby in size and stature. I regret all those times I was too busy with my social life to spend time with him. Yet I am grateful for rare moments when I can be there fro him and do something for him.

I Like I said, I try not to be too emotional when that kid's around. Yet the big sister in me is a secret stage- Ate. I absolutely dote on my brother.He hates effusive displays of affection. So I keep it inside me and wait for opportunities when my affections are warranted by his need for his big sister.

He's bigger and taller than I am now,and I know he has a lot more growing-up to do,

but he'll always be

my baby brother.

I'll learn to let go.. eventually. =)

LA UNION LAKWATSA

There are times when we get so caught up with matters of consequences of our seemingly structured adult lives that we seek to find respite from the city life and find comfort in rural delights.

After 2 weeks of workahalic-mode frenzy, I finally got the chance to escape from it all with a much-awaited trip to the province of La Union. Getting away from the city is a joy in itself, but having your bosom buddies with you is absolutely fantastic.

DAY 1

With the exception of Arce, none of us slept a wink, anxious to get on the earliest trip out of Manila to our destination. I started my day pretty bummed out. My tummy chose to throw a tantrum right at the hour w e were supposed to leave the house. On top of that, my ADHD-afflicted best friend suddenly declared that she’ll follow us to La Union instead of joining us on the bus. Knowing the trip is well worth 5 hours, I highly doubted that she would even make it there, alone. That made me fume for awhile, especially having an inkling on what the probable cause for the delay might be.

Having popped a couple of Loperamide tablets to pacify my uncooperative gastric sac, I finally got to the bus station with my sleepy-eyed hubby. Upon arriving at the station, we learned that the bus left a few minutes earlier than it should have, leaving us with no choice but to wait for an hour for the next trip. The ride was pretty uneventful except for that one instant that found Lynn in near hysterics when the bus left a rest stop area without more than half our party of 6. While she has enduring the stares of people as she wobbly made her way to the driver to inform him of our absence, Max was oblivious to the events and had to be woken up by other bus passengers to be in told that his seatmate, Guen, got left behind. He reportedly looked around once and fell right back asleep. Meanwhile, at the rest stop, we were busy having our morning coffee while chuckling at the thought of how Lynn would react to the bus’ departure. Turns out Arce’s speculations were quite accurate. He made sure to buy an obligatory peace offering of food to appease Lynn for causing her to worry. Other than that, nothing of note happened but the supposedly 5-hour trip stretched out to 7 full hours, 2 of which found us awake and quite anxious if we’ll ever get there.

Finally, we saw the welcome sight of the San Fernando plaza and lost no time in getting our butts off that dratted bus. Our official host, Tam met us at our stop and off we went to get our borrowed transportation from Tam’s residence.

I thought we’ll finally get on with our R & R, until we got to the La Union Surf Resort and discovered that even after paying the down payment for the 2 quadruple sharing rooms we reserved a week ahead, they gave away one of the rooms to walk-ins because they failed to mark our rooms as paid for. We were tired, hungry and pissed off , but we didn’t want to waste the day with too much stressing. The sight and sounds of the beach, filled with people frolicking on surf boards definitely played a part in bringing our blood pressures down.

So we settled for an alternate accommodation, having been a little pacified by being given 2 free pull out mattresses and not being charged for early check-in. Then we went back to the sumptuous lunch at Tam’s place, generously provided for by her parents. Talk about gastronomic comfort. The meal definitely raised our spirits.

After that, it was all fun and frolic. Tam was able to get a hold of good surfing instructors who stayed it us for more than the standard one-hour lesson. We started in the afternoon and before we knew it, the sun was setting and there was still no sign of my best friend. I actually almost forgot she was coming, being too busy following the instructor’s commands to get ready and pull myself up on the surfing board.

All seven of us were engrossed with achieving a certain success rate on being able to stand on the board and avoiding a wipe out. To say it was fun is an understatement. We had the time of our lives! Tam & I were re-learning how to surf, having had some previous experience but not having enjoyed it as much.

Lynn was kicking Arce’s butt with her newly-acquired surfing skills. (Peace Arce!) Guen was playing the part of a sexy surfer chick to the hilt. Arce was ecstatic at having finally fulfilled his wish of learning how to surf. Max , despite being marked as a passing boat after almost colliding with another surfer, did get to enjoy riding the waves. And of course, my deep- water-phobic hubby seemed to have his forgotten his fear as he strut his stuff like the cowabunga dude he was claiming to be. The seven-hour trip was definitely worth it, and it was only the first day!

We finally heard from Gegey, so Tam, myself and our new friend Shanna went out to the high way to meet her. I knew she had a lot of think time on her way to where we were and even if I was bummed out that she didn’t get on the bus with us, as we agreed too, I was too high on endorphins to berate her. Tam on the other hand, was another matter. She never let Gegey hear the end of it. But no matter, what was important was that she got there. Plus, the consequences of having to be kidded all throughout the trip about her tardiness (thanks to the boys’ characteristic bantering) was enough to dissipate our initial irritation. She took it all good-naturedly and after hearing all our ecstatic reactions to the surfing experience, she couldn’t wait to get in the water. She was so excited that I relented to go with her for some night time swimming to make up for lost time. Sure enough, the warm water, the dark night sky and the soothing rhythm of the waves lapping at the bay erased all the stress she left behind in Manila and carried with her all the way on her solitary ride to La Union. We got some best friend time in, too, and realized it had been a long time since we went out of the City for a beach break, together. We were out there so long, Ed had to come over to check up on us.

We went back and rejoined our party after it started raining. (We wouldn’t want to get wet, now, would we? =P ) Evening found us regaling Gegey with the day’s events, good old SMBs in hand. As is characteristic of conversations between good friends, there was no shortage of topics to talk about. It was then we asked, are we really going home tomorrow? Almost everyone had a concern or two on extending til Monday but we all knew that was what we wanted to do most of all. We decided to suspend the decision for the next day. Meanwhile, Tam , Gey and I decided to go for a stroll by bringing Shanna home. On the way we decided to check out the local night life from afar, passing by the rural red light district and stopping by the Santorini-inspired Thunderbird resort for some photo ops. It was probably our night, as Gegey was even given a rose by one of the staff at the posh resort, even if we looked more like beach combers than tourists that night. When we got back to the resort, the boys looked like they had too much fun with their beers. Lynn and Gwen were back in their rooms while the three best friends were still gossiping like house wives, smiling tipsily when we got there. I don’t think they wanted the night to end. Who could blame them? After all, an awesome weekend at a great beach with your best friends doesn’t happen often. Knowing we had another day of surfing ahead of us, we were cajoling them to stop being so clingy and head to bed. Max & Arce were actually quite problematic on how to go back to their rooms speculating on whether their tardiness make them end up sleeping outside the room or the floor. (chuckling right here) Anyway, we finally retired to our beds, glad that being the day, our vacation was far from over.

DAY 2

Someone was knocking at our door, saying “Ma’am, Sir, time’s up na po.” I was sorely disappointed. I was in half-slumber when I realized, hey we’re on vacation! Surprisingly, the 2 couples were already up and waiting for breakfast. Meanwhile, in our room, nobody wanted to part with their beds. Gegey suddenly realized she hadn’t hit the waves yet and got up promptly to prepare. Eventually, we all sat down to breakfast. The first agenda for the day was deciding whether to extend until Monday. Seemed like at 10am, the day would be too short for us to enjoy. We all decided to finally stay but were hit with another set bac k when the La Union Surf Resort brick walled us again. Now that there were unoccupied rooms, we needed to move out of our 2-person room and move in to a bigger room which could hold a 8 of us. This was an added expense and our official bargainers Lynn and Ed tried to reason with them, subtly threatening them that we would leave. Well, apparently, they weren’t too good in Economics or the rule of Profit. That, or they just wanted to get rid of irate customers like us pronto. So we had to postpone our surfing to move out of our rooms. Thank God for cool surf instructors who happened to have cheap accommodations suited to our needs. We headed to the Surfing Inn with our bags in tow and lost no time returning to the beach.

Lynn & Guen took another surfing lesson while Gegey finally got herself on the board for the first time. The rest of us decided to rent two boards to share among us. This time, we tried without the helpful cues to get ready and stand up, from our now familiar instructors, Anthony and Tisoy. TRY is the operative word! It took a certain amount of skill to read the current and feel the moment when you should stand up to ride the wave-skill that we did not possess, yet. Thankfully, our former instructors graciously gave us some tips and shouted out commands randomly so we could still get the high from being able to stand up on the board. We all got our turns in catching a great wave to ride. This time, we had more great pictures!!. We rode till sunset and only the darkness forced us to hop off the boards . If we all had night vision, we would have continued surfing til we dropped from exhaustion. But of course, safety first, so we reluctantly gave back our rented surf boards, but not after taking some great shots with them like the posers we were. Hahaha. Not for long, though! We have plans to make this a habit!

Night time found us, still on the beach. The night was too perfect to spend indoors. While Tam and Gey headed back to Tam’s house to meet her parents, Lynn, Gwen and I relived our childhoods by playing street games on the sand. Arce even had the audacity to challenge us to a game of patintero, all 3 girls versus himself. Max and Ed were wise enough to stay out of it. Needless to say, he didn’t stand a chance – against our tactics or our arguments. Later on, we had a beach side dinner of liempo and manok, right under the night sky. It was one of those nights when the moon is waxing and there’s a pale halo around it. There was a surreal glow all around us. Simply put, it was one of those moonlit events we would not forget any time soon. SMBs and The Bar passed around, this time with the special participation of our now-beloved surfing instructors, Tisoy & Anthony, who warmed up to us & who were eventually talking and swapping stories with us, non-stop. Nobody wanted to go to sleep, that being our last night. In the company of good friends, you can always find a reason for laughter. Failed pyramid-building attempts, ghostly haunting, wacky photo ops,- we were all in it together and everyone had a kick out of the freedom to talk about anything & everything. Talk about major bonding session. Finally, the booze ran out and we remembered that we’d be leaving at 4 am in the morning. It was past 1 am when we called it a night. And what a night it was. Sure we had the usual drink-talk sessions. Yet, this vacation was like no other, with everyone experiencing a different kind of high from engaging in a shared interest. Everyone was game, enthusiastic and ready for adventure. The group shared the spirit of joie de vivre and got drunk on it. We were all young, happy and in the company of great friends.

MORNING AFTER

The next day, despite Ed’s predictions of another one of Gegey’s tardy episodes, she managed to be the first one up. She tapped me awake to ask if any of the couples were gonna take the 4am bus ride with her. I peeked into the other room and gave Gwen a fright when my cold hands touched her leg. Apparently, all 4 were lightly sleeping and woke up when Guen did. However, nobody really wanted to get up. A few minutes later, when I was back in bed after telling Gegey she’d have to go solo again, Macky peeked inside and said they changed their minds. All but ONE (ehem) , of us were awake. So I asked Ed, who I knew was deep in slumber, if we should leave right then and there. He promptly gave me an answer of NO, and he fell right back at asleep. (Later on when he finally woke up at 10am, he claimed he couldn’t remember having said no or having been woken up.) Naturally, everyone else gave in and went right back to sleep. Meanwhile, Tam and I wouldn’t be able to rest like the rest of them. We had to drive Gegey all the way to the bus station at 5am since there was no sign of a ride to Cubao. Ironically, a few minutes after we dropped her off, the bus she was waiting for arrived, right on our heels. Tam and I drove back to the Inn and dropped off like rocks, only to wake up again a few hours after to bring back Tam’s family car back to her house. Ed was half awake and I told him to wake up because we’ll be leaving when Tam and I came back. He nodded… right back to sleep!

Anyway, when we came back from our errand, everyone else was up but my hubby was nowhere in sight. Arce and Lynn went off in search of souvenir shirts while Max and Guen checked out the waves. I went up the stairs and who came out the door without his shirt on, with all our bags on his shoulders looking ready to get up and go? Hahaha. Yup, Ed the sleepyhead must have heard our voices and realized he was the only one in bed and the definite cause for delay.I couldn’t help but laugh out lod at the sight- all packed and ready to go, shirtless and still half-asleep. I wasn’t the only one who was amused. Naturally, everyone else let him have it for being the last to get up.

Finally, we were all ready to go, still reluctant to say goodbye to La Union. But we’ve caused Tam a half day’s work already and there was 7 hours ahead of us getting back to Manila. We said our goodbyes to our surfing instructors cum hosts and new friends, Anthony, Tisoy and their party (who were already downing the rest of the booze we left them plus another bottle of gin on the way). We all slept fitfully but none of that mattered. We were all stoked-from the surfing experience and from our great bonding vacation. We weren’t even out of La Union yet and we were already talking about when we’ll be back. We then boarded the bus and gave our profuse thanks to our enduring, ever accommodating local girl, Tam who swore to be an expert by the time we got back. My guess is, she didn’t get to enjoy surfing as much as when she rode those waves with our crazy bunch.

It was a great vacation coming to an end. Almost all of us slept most of the way. Everyone had a smile on their face. We had minor glitches during our trip, experienced slight to moderate irritation but in retrospect, all those imperfections were washed away when we headed to the beach. Recalling everything that happened, it would seem like an overkill describing all the details from my memory but in doing so, I rekindle that fire I forged with these friends over those 3 days and 2 nights away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

Our weekend lakwatsa in La Union is significant to each of us in different ways. I can’t really speak for the others but for me, enjoying that stress-free weekend means much more in the bigger scope of things in my life.

A weekend at the beach in our tropical paradise with friends- my hubby’s and mine, represents the biggest reasons why I choose to stay in the Philippines.

Now, I don’t think I would ever choose to go elsewhere and rake in more money than I can spend over what matters most to me. Over material wealth and the prospect of enslaving myself with matters of consequence, I choose to live my life and be happy in the company of the ones I love, in my own country.

So thank you Arce, Lynn, Max, Guen, Gegey, Tam and my forever partner, Ed. As cheesy as it may sound, for me, You are the reasons why staying in the Philippines means choosing life, liberty and happiness.

Here’s to more great weekends with the best company, in the best place to be!