It's one of those days.
I got Regina Spektor playing in the background, preceding a feel-good playlist on Pandora.
But I am still oh-so-grouchy. Nothing is going my way again. or I'm just too damn impatient for the results I am waiting for..
Day compounding yet another day of perpetual waiting, relentless anticipating,needless agonizing.
Ate a good meal of Japanese tempura crunch roll and Teriyaki Beef Bowl and a pot of hot green tea. That's supposed to calm me down on a normal day. Yet here I am again, agitated, irritated.
My mom says I have an anxiety disorder. That's kind of a stretch but lately I am beginning to incline agreeing.
I used to believe that I could be a cool cat-calm and collected, able to diffuse tension in an awkward situation. Nowadays I'm just like a basket case- a bundle of nerves unraveling with each passing day in such uncertain circumstances.
I'm beginning to hate the me under stress. I have turned into such a whiner, making a tragedy out of any little setback; overusing prose to dissipate the inner turmoil that perturbs me every waking moment.
No wonder my metabolism is so shot. My cortisol levels all awry, pituitary gland working over time shoveling stress hormones into my system, my whole freaking system preparing for extended fight-or -flight response 24/7.
It feels like I'm crawling my way through this dark, extremely narrow and utterly miserable little tunnel-seeing the light at the end of it but stuck in slime.
I want my endorphins back!Chocolates don't work. They just push me to run in the cold weather every day, still short of the high I used to get after every dragonboat training in Manila!
Basically, I just miss the simple life. Then again, I believe humans are built with default discontent. We ask for something and when we finally get it, we want something else entirely.
I know most people think about life in general and wonder about the significance of their existence once in a while- in spaced out intervals that enable them to simply enjoy living.
I am at a certain junction when I have all this free time to ponder, yet again, on both the worth and futility of venturing out of my comfort zone.
I mean, I am up to the task. It's just taking too darn long for things to happen. Just when I have my running shoes on, my self-motivating mechanisms in place, my whole being poised for the big plunge into adulthood and beyond-everything and everyone else seems to have chosen to go into slow-mo.
My routine nowadays:
Wake up at 9:00
Check out life on FB while having coffee
Check my email for legal and employment correspondence
(and usually be disappointed)
*go to work either from 6-2 or 2-10 then go home
Walk or Run outside
Check out life on FB, tend my farm, do some Mafia job, clean up my Resto
Check my email.
Chat with Hubby
Look forward to being kidnapped by Paul & Vannie
Sleep at 3am
*sigh* I miss my life. I'm so homesick right now.
my routine back home:
4am-wake up
5am-Dragonboat training =)
7am- post-training SEx or breakfast @ Jolibee
10am-get ready for class or go to a Gatorade Lec
1-4 Teach @ CHK
5pm-run @ Acad Oval OR
wait for Ed to go boxing
8pm-hang out with friends, sneak a coffee session with Gey or
hang out with family
12pm-snuggle in bed with hubby and talk till the wee hours of the morning.
Weekends? hyper-drive =)
I know this isn't helping. I am just dragging myself through a self-made muck but I have to purge this negativity and right now, this is the only way I can.
I hope one day I can look back at everything and laugh at how much of an impatient little humbug I have been
For now, I am just ranting and venting and letting out all these frustrations in cyber space.
So I can breathe.
So I can.
Coffee, anyone?
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
testing
I finally decided to create a blog specifically 4 blogging.This is but a novice's attempt to keep up with technology. I hope it works.
Defibrillation
It is the end of my world as I know it.
-the end of perpetual childhood in the arms of comfort. Here I am at the other side of the world finally embarking on a journey that I have delayed for so long. Where this road will take me, I know not. All I know is that it requires me to finally let go of the security of the familiar, the safety of the predictable. I have dallied for the past half of a decade. I have meandered in the springs of my comfort zone. I have never really been on my own.
I have made a thousand excuses to stay home. I have taken many strolls on the pathways of the carefree, knowing at the back of my mind that I have somewhere else to be. Call it arrogance, but I believe I am destined for greater things. I have burrowed myself on my carefree island looking out into the world wondering when will I ever get out there and follow the star of my destiny.
Finally, I am here. I shed the trepidation of my childhood, I shed the shackles of uncertainty. I have always been a child, cocooned under the wing of parental providence, chained by dependence. I have tried to convince myself of my fortunate circumstance, knowing full well I have yet to experience what it really means to be free.
At 27, I am a long overdue butterfly. I have pondered too much on the future when I should be making it. I have paid too much attention on what I could be, in the guise of an ever- recurring quarter-life crisis. All these are but mechanisms that root me to that hated spot called mediocrity.
All I have so far are words, and ideas and visions. All I have are moments of lucidity.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquest of it." says Parke Goodwin in his rendition of "Beowulf". I know Fear. I have been cowered by it into submission. Yet this is my time; my time to look at it in the face and cast it down. No one is going to do it for me. No one is going to propel me into action but myself.
With these realizations, I think on, too, of those I leave behind. It is not without regret that I look back at the faces, the places that tie my heart to my homeland. I am aware of my distance from my life support, from all that is familiar and dear. The thought of this lack of proximity sometimes paralyzes me with sadness. Yet, I know, that someday all those I have let down will understand this life-changing decision that I have to make for myself.
I know the life I will be leaving will be a far cry from the carefree existence I am used to. I brace myself for cold winter nights, crying fits and sudden attacks of homesickness. I know I will miss the stroke of my paddle on the dirty waters of Manila Bay, the late-night Neruda & Starbucks sessions with my best friend, the tropical wind on my face on my way up the mountains. I know I will miss Saturday morning breakfast with my nagging mom and corny dad, driving sessions with my big little brother to his soirees, Sunday visits to my Nanay's grave, monthly feasts on Advientos family reunions.
I will miss the smell of summer in my room, the sound of a storm on our glass window.I will miss the UP Academic Oval strolls,10k runs and impromptu gimiks. I will surely miss my life.
But I swear to be back. I already know that life in my native land is way better than living here in the US. Yet I have to try my luck, make something of myself, be someone on my own terms.
I cut myself loose from what is easy, from what is convenient. I am going to try out my wings.
Whether I fall or I fly, at least I have tried.
Allow me my romanticizing it is the only thing i keep for myself along with my eternal optimism.
-the end of perpetual childhood in the arms of comfort. Here I am at the other side of the world finally embarking on a journey that I have delayed for so long. Where this road will take me, I know not. All I know is that it requires me to finally let go of the security of the familiar, the safety of the predictable. I have dallied for the past half of a decade. I have meandered in the springs of my comfort zone. I have never really been on my own.
I have made a thousand excuses to stay home. I have taken many strolls on the pathways of the carefree, knowing at the back of my mind that I have somewhere else to be. Call it arrogance, but I believe I am destined for greater things. I have burrowed myself on my carefree island looking out into the world wondering when will I ever get out there and follow the star of my destiny.
Finally, I am here. I shed the trepidation of my childhood, I shed the shackles of uncertainty. I have always been a child, cocooned under the wing of parental providence, chained by dependence. I have tried to convince myself of my fortunate circumstance, knowing full well I have yet to experience what it really means to be free.
At 27, I am a long overdue butterfly. I have pondered too much on the future when I should be making it. I have paid too much attention on what I could be, in the guise of an ever- recurring quarter-life crisis. All these are but mechanisms that root me to that hated spot called mediocrity.
All I have so far are words, and ideas and visions. All I have are moments of lucidity.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquest of it." says Parke Goodwin in his rendition of "Beowulf". I know Fear. I have been cowered by it into submission. Yet this is my time; my time to look at it in the face and cast it down. No one is going to do it for me. No one is going to propel me into action but myself.
With these realizations, I think on, too, of those I leave behind. It is not without regret that I look back at the faces, the places that tie my heart to my homeland. I am aware of my distance from my life support, from all that is familiar and dear. The thought of this lack of proximity sometimes paralyzes me with sadness. Yet, I know, that someday all those I have let down will understand this life-changing decision that I have to make for myself.
I know the life I will be leaving will be a far cry from the carefree existence I am used to. I brace myself for cold winter nights, crying fits and sudden attacks of homesickness. I know I will miss the stroke of my paddle on the dirty waters of Manila Bay, the late-night Neruda & Starbucks sessions with my best friend, the tropical wind on my face on my way up the mountains. I know I will miss Saturday morning breakfast with my nagging mom and corny dad, driving sessions with my big little brother to his soirees, Sunday visits to my Nanay's grave, monthly feasts on Advientos family reunions.
I will miss the smell of summer in my room, the sound of a storm on our glass window.I will miss the UP Academic Oval strolls,10k runs and impromptu gimiks. I will surely miss my life.
But I swear to be back. I already know that life in my native land is way better than living here in the US. Yet I have to try my luck, make something of myself, be someone on my own terms.
I cut myself loose from what is easy, from what is convenient. I am going to try out my wings.
Whether I fall or I fly, at least I have tried.
Allow me my romanticizing it is the only thing i keep for myself along with my eternal optimism.
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